A Faker's Guide to becoming a Wine Connoisseur

I'm sure you never thought of yourself as a wine connoisseur, but just when you thought a chilled six pack with your pals would be the perfect way to while away your evening the phone rings. Your girlfriend is on the line. She announces in a rather airy manner that her ex-boyfriend and her new girlfriend are having a wine tasting party and that the two of you have been invited. You stifle a moan and promise to be there. Now what? Your thoughts range from 'Man, I'm going to kill that stupid ex-boyfriend' to 'how do I become a wine expert in 2 days'. Worry not my friend because we have just what you need: A faker's guide to becoming a wine connoisseur.

Well this guide is going to be very very honest. To leave such a party unscathed and without being slapped by your girlfriend in public you are going to have to resort to a rather large number of quotes and disagreeable amounts of French. But do not be afraid my friend, we have done all our homework and after having scoured the internet for a little more than 10 minutes, we can proudly say that you are in somewhat decent hands if not utterly horrible ones.

So lets begin:

First a little basic information:

1. Wine IS made from grapes.
2. Do NOT try to open a new bottle of wine or champagne because the cork probably will end up inside your nose (like in all the movies).
3. Red wine is made from red (or black) grapes. White wine from white grapes. Sparkling wine IS NOT made from Cadbury sparkles.
4. If someone asks you for a corkscrew, he or she IS NOT asking for a sexual favour. A corkscrew is an instrument used to open a bottle of wine.

Lets now turn to sample conversations.

" 'There is a devil in every berry of the grape,' claims the Koran. I beg to differ." The perfect start to a wine conversation. Not that you would particularly want to start one, considering the fact that your knowledge on the topic amounts to nil, but you can always sip in the comment when they ask you your views.

And then, for effect, twirl the glass, take a deep sniff of the wine and sip the delicacy in an exceedingly leisurely manner. Go on to pronounce with a larger-than-life accent, the name of the wine that you have just read off the label. Or if that be too difficult, resort simply to, "In vino veritas." (Latin proverb that translates to "In wine, truth". But you probably don't need to know the meaning. A simple burst of Latin should be enough to impress your peers). One should note at this point that if one is not cent percent sure of the pronunciation of a French word, of which several will crop up, then it is best to avoid saying these words. At some point during the evening you should gaze deep into the glass and declare simultaneously that "Wine is bottled poetry." A quote attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.

There will be a lot of terms popping up here and there. Most of them you haven't heard of and those of which you have you probably thought could never be used in the same sentence as wine. Confusing though it may be, wine lexicon is really easy to learn except perhaps for those darned french words.

Here are a few terms that may lead to ambiguity and hence uncertainty. We have therefore provided their actual meaning too.

1. Cold duck : NOT a duck shot dead and shoved in the freezer. It is a mixture of red and white sparkling wine that has a high sugar content.

2. Corkscrew : See above

3. Doux : pronounced DO, means sweet in french.

4. Puncheon DOES NOT mean that you punch someone. It is a measure of wine.

5. Wine cellar IS NOT a place where they imprison people who have drank too much wine. It is a place where they store wine.

Coming back to conversations, a yellow four fingered man by the name of Homer Simpson once said ,"To Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems!" Raise your glass as if to make a toast and repeat these very words. Or perhaps if Napolean Bonaparte happens to be your idol, you could enunciate in a sophisticated manner ,"In victory, you deserve Champagne, in defeat, you need it.".

The basic aim of the party is to taste several wines and then compare the tastes. Being utterly non-proficient at this it would be wise to just agree with the person with whom you are conversing even if his opinion is exactly opposite to the previous person you were talking to. If it turns out that two people with opposing views ask for your opinion your best bet would be to ask to be excused and head for the loo. At the end of the party remember to thank the host for a memorable evening even though you may want to do him bodily harm for wasting your time.

Well you probably noticed from all of the above that we ourselves are not wine experts and hence not the correct people to teach you how to fake it. So in a sense were faking our faker's guide. But, if you can keep in mind what you have just read, you might just be able to fake your way through a wine tasting party filled with wine connoisseurs. We promise you that if this guide does not help you then no other will and nothing short of actually becoming a wine connoisseur will ensure your safety. Do not be fooled by these ladies and gentlemen attired in their gowns and suits, they are sharks and they will go for the kill, the first instance they smell blood. So remember to keep calm and more importantly keep an eye on the closest loo. Best of luck, my dear friend and may you emerge victorious.