A Faker's Guide to becoming a Wine Connoisseur

I'm sure you never thought of yourself as a wine connoisseur, but just when you thought a chilled six pack with your pals would be the perfect way to while away your evening the phone rings. Your girlfriend is on the line. She announces in a rather airy manner that her ex-boyfriend and her new girlfriend are having a wine tasting party and that the two of you have been invited. You stifle a moan and promise to be there. Now what? Your thoughts range from 'Man, I'm going to kill that stupid ex-boyfriend' to 'how do I become a wine expert in 2 days'. Worry not my friend because we have just what you need: A faker's guide to becoming a wine connoisseur.

Well this guide is going to be very very honest. To leave such a party unscathed and without being slapped by your girlfriend in public you are going to have to resort to a rather large number of quotes and disagreeable amounts of French. But do not be afraid my friend, we have done all our homework and after having scoured the internet for a little more than 10 minutes, we can proudly say that you are in somewhat decent hands if not utterly horrible ones.

So lets begin:

First a little basic information:

1. Wine IS made from grapes.
2. Do NOT try to open a new bottle of wine or champagne because the cork probably will end up inside your nose (like in all the movies).
3. Red wine is made from red (or black) grapes. White wine from white grapes. Sparkling wine IS NOT made from Cadbury sparkles.
4. If someone asks you for a corkscrew, he or she IS NOT asking for a sexual favour. A corkscrew is an instrument used to open a bottle of wine.

Lets now turn to sample conversations.

" 'There is a devil in every berry of the grape,' claims the Koran. I beg to differ." The perfect start to a wine conversation. Not that you would particularly want to start one, considering the fact that your knowledge on the topic amounts to nil, but you can always sip in the comment when they ask you your views.

And then, for effect, twirl the glass, take a deep sniff of the wine and sip the delicacy in an exceedingly leisurely manner. Go on to pronounce with a larger-than-life accent, the name of the wine that you have just read off the label. Or if that be too difficult, resort simply to, "In vino veritas." (Latin proverb that translates to "In wine, truth". But you probably don't need to know the meaning. A simple burst of Latin should be enough to impress your peers). One should note at this point that if one is not cent percent sure of the pronunciation of a French word, of which several will crop up, then it is best to avoid saying these words. At some point during the evening you should gaze deep into the glass and declare simultaneously that "Wine is bottled poetry." A quote attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson.

There will be a lot of terms popping up here and there. Most of them you haven't heard of and those of which you have you probably thought could never be used in the same sentence as wine. Confusing though it may be, wine lexicon is really easy to learn except perhaps for those darned french words.

Here are a few terms that may lead to ambiguity and hence uncertainty. We have therefore provided their actual meaning too.

1. Cold duck : NOT a duck shot dead and shoved in the freezer. It is a mixture of red and white sparkling wine that has a high sugar content.

2. Corkscrew : See above

3. Doux : pronounced DO, means sweet in french.

4. Puncheon DOES NOT mean that you punch someone. It is a measure of wine.

5. Wine cellar IS NOT a place where they imprison people who have drank too much wine. It is a place where they store wine.

Coming back to conversations, a yellow four fingered man by the name of Homer Simpson once said ,"To Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems!" Raise your glass as if to make a toast and repeat these very words. Or perhaps if Napolean Bonaparte happens to be your idol, you could enunciate in a sophisticated manner ,"In victory, you deserve Champagne, in defeat, you need it.".

The basic aim of the party is to taste several wines and then compare the tastes. Being utterly non-proficient at this it would be wise to just agree with the person with whom you are conversing even if his opinion is exactly opposite to the previous person you were talking to. If it turns out that two people with opposing views ask for your opinion your best bet would be to ask to be excused and head for the loo. At the end of the party remember to thank the host for a memorable evening even though you may want to do him bodily harm for wasting your time.

Well you probably noticed from all of the above that we ourselves are not wine experts and hence not the correct people to teach you how to fake it. So in a sense were faking our faker's guide. But, if you can keep in mind what you have just read, you might just be able to fake your way through a wine tasting party filled with wine connoisseurs. We promise you that if this guide does not help you then no other will and nothing short of actually becoming a wine connoisseur will ensure your safety. Do not be fooled by these ladies and gentlemen attired in their gowns and suits, they are sharks and they will go for the kill, the first instance they smell blood. So remember to keep calm and more importantly keep an eye on the closest loo. Best of luck, my dear friend and may you emerge victorious.

A Deeperer Meaning of Liffer

As Douglas Adams' so aptly said in his introduction to "The Deeper Meaning of Liff", It's a dictionary of things there aren't any words for yet-But there ought to be.
Based mostly on life at IIT this set of words is all set to outsell the Oxford Dictionary.
Check it out at liffatiit.blogspot.com .

The UnTrek Guide - 1. Khireshwar

The first article of the mighty UnTrek Guide. Khireshwar is one place which you won't be able to get to from information from the net or any book . Come to think of it, I don't think the 6 of us who went would be of too much help either. You'll soon see why.















loaction : Khireshwar, no idea where, Maharastra, India
landmarks : none
Best time : 10th July, 2007 (what? I didn't go there the other 365 days of the year.) But seriously go only in the monsoons.
requisites : not too much water because there's enough around, 3/4 th quarter whiskey per person (with thums up preferably) and 1 quarter whiskey per 6 people (to be drunk neat for warmth) [Umm you do the math], windcheaters that you would probably wear for a while and then cast off because you're getting wet anyway, very strong sturdy shoes, a camera.
How to get there : Take a train to Kalyan (It leaves C.S.T at 4 A.M. and reaches Kanjur Marg at around 4:50). At Kalyan, stock up on biscuits (glucose ones especially because dogs like them) and eat breakfast. Take the State Transport (S.T.) bus headed for Malshejghat and get off at the MTDC (Mahrashtra Tourism Development C for something I have no idea what) resort.
Once there, get inside the resort compund and find a medium sized dog we christened foggy. If you don't find her then take the next bus back to Kalyan and go home. From the resort get to a village called Kubi which is 2.5 kms away.

The trail starts from Kubi itself. Ask locals for khireshwar and keep doing so every time you meet one because there are millions of trails joining up and splitting from the main trail. You will have to cross atleast 1 stream whose difficulty is about one 40000th on the return journey because you don't give a fuck then. The main trail gets swamped up at times, but still carry on or you could do what we did which is find a few rocks, sit down and drink whiskey for a bit. You're probably thinking that that's a bad idea but it worked like a charm and as Ashlene predicted, we soon refound the path. You then come across a lake called The Great Lake of China (Guess who christened this one). You'll soon reach Khireshwar which is a modest village with nothing much to do. Don't ask how much time it takes because it took us more than 3 hours to get there but around 1 hour to get back to Kubi. Once at Khireshwar find Aishwarya hotel. There aren't any other hotels though there are several small boards wth the word 'hotel' written on them but incidentally they all point to huts with cows in them. Not an ideal place to eat but whatever suits you. Anyway munch down on your poha and drink your amazingly nice tea. Soon enough the water starts evaporating and you start shivering. The booze comes in handy then. Start the return journey around 3 and take a dip in the Great Lake. Push each other, tug people under and just freak out because truly speaking it's one of best things I've ever done. Go trigger happy with the camera. Also spend some time under the small waterfall which comes along. You get the S.T. bus at Kubi and then head home. Back at Kanjurmarg at around 8:30.

Foggy : Yeah it's extremely foggy but this isn't what this is about. Foggy is the name of the dog we met at MTDC that followed (or rather led) us for around 20 km. We would have been totally lost if it wasn't for the dog. We did feed it a lot of food but the other dogs (named rainy (because it was raining when we met him) and faffy (I truly don't know why)) didn't travel half as much. Most times we let foggy lead. That's why I mentioned earlier that if you don't meet foggy return home. It was the second most useful living thing after me (Rashmi don't load up your shotgun). Anyway, by the end of the journey we rechristened it soggy. Guess why?

Check all the pics at : http://iitb.facebook.com/album.php?aid=14129&l=ce5c6&id=603150860.

Jay Leno bringing out the absurdity in Paris' imprisonment

Most people thought the media coverage of Amitabh Bachchan during his illness was far too excessive. Frankly, it was but Mr.Bachchan is a superstar and no one can deny that. A similar thing happened in the US due to Paris Hilton's jail sentence. Jay Leno brought it out perfectly during his "Tonight Show". Check it out here.

The Taj Mahal

Oye people vote for the TAJ as one of the 7 wonders of the world by logging onto www.new7wonders.com or smsing TAJ to 4567.

What's common between Paris Hilton and BCCI

What could be common between our marvelous cricket board and the subject of a large number of my posts. Did some member of the BCCI go to jail? Well maybe, but thats not the answer I was looking for. The question is answered extremely aptly by a quote by a fat, short and garrulous boy known to us as Eric Cartman. Simply put, they both got F'd in the A.

Limericks

I stumbled upon these while cleaning out my mail. Thought I'd post them. They are all limericks which means the 1st, 2nd and 5th lines rhyme and ditto for the 3rd and 4th (these two lines are shorter than the other 3). Usually its on a funny subject but these ones aren't strictly so.

1.
Seven hundred ships left their land,
They came to fight,to conquer our land,
They lost the strife,
So happy was my wife,
She needed the slaves for a helping hand.

2.Mom's wise words

Eat your fruits,drink your milk,
I need to go out and by some silk,
Wash your hand,
Don't play in the sand,
So said the mother to her ilk.

3. Good ol' Bush

The guests were sore,
The wedding was a bore,
The bride loved the groom,
A disaster did loom,
This was the marriage of Bush and Gore.

4.Drugs

Jimi calls it "Purple Haze",
People get lost in the maze,
Just don't sit and shrug,
Say no to the drug,
Or u might die in the daze.

5.The tiger

The tiger with all its might,
The 'mazing hunter of the night,
Lord of the day,
Anger it, nay,
The tiger,what a beautiful sight.

CRAP WRAP 7

There was a young man and a young woman. They got married. They had a child. The child pooped very often. This one time it pooped on the floor. The woman not having slept well the previous night directed her husband,"Wrap the crap and throw it out." :P:P:P:P:P

You've gotta read the rest of the 'Crap Wrap' series to figure this one out.

The Chronicles of Riddick-ulously stupid people

"The chronicles of riddick-ulously stupid people" is a new movie starring George W Bush and Paris Hilton. It has already grossed more than 8 dollars in the US surpassing expected figures of 1 dollar and 45 cents. It's release is widely anticipated in the rest of the world.

The noted hollywood critic Tom Brown (who at this point cannot be traced or tracked) said of the movie,"It is a brilliant movie. The script is powerful and the actors even more so. I just can't wait to see its sequel."

The movie has been associated with a major change in the health of most of USA. The people who actually saw the movie are now in shock and/or coma. The other people who didn't see the movie still have not managed to stop laughing after reading the afore mentioned review.

Warning: spoilers ahead

/* spoilers begin here */

The movie consists of 2 main protagonists: George W Bush (portrayed by Paris HIlton) and Paris Hilton (portrayed by George Bush). The 1st scene is Paris sitting on a stool without make-up (hence the audience going into shock). The second scene contains Bush. Need i say more?

/* spoilers end here */

In related events, experts have noted that this is the first instance of a movie's run time being less than the time required to pronounce the title. These so called experts added soon enough that this may not hold true for the two protagonists.

Rain

It rained today. The weather's awesome. The trees are green. It might just be a nice day after all.

My driving test

On friday the something-th, I went to the RTO to give the test for my driver's license. After 5 hours of waiting in the heat I finally got into the driver's seat. There I sat for less than 2 minutes. My onerous task included starting the car (which several people just refused to do) and taking a u-turn (the guy after me had it easier. He had to make a right turn. Just one frigging turn!!!!!). after which i got my driving capability approved. In related events, deepak didn't even have to do this much. He was given his license without having to give the test. He alleges this is because of some nation-wide nexus between his driving agency and the RTO but we all know the truth which is: he just didn't fit in the car. In more related events i took my Honda civic out for a drive with my dad sitting next to me (ofcourse). For the record I'd like to state that there were no accidents, no lives lost and the car still works. So there :P .

Crap Wrap 6

Awesone awesome awesome news: The 3rd season of wait for it 'how i met your mother' has been announced after 2 leg-en-dary seasons. We love you Scherbatsky.















Go on ted.
Go to bed.
Tell us how you met your mama
else i'll blast you with rays of gamma.

Crap Wrap 5

Mistaking the S in USA for SEX, George Bush invites US senators for an orgy at his ranch.

Crap wrap 4

This just in: Rapper Eminem, singer Britney Spears and not sure what Paris Hilton are now making music together. Paris will contribute her skills (read finance it) from jail, Britney from her psychiatrist's clinic and Eminem from the marriage hall (where he gets married and remarried with the same person every few days). Thats the (w)rap for the evening news.

Crap wrap 3.14159

The movie 300 is wildly popular in Ghana. :P
Thats all for todays afternoon news.

Crap wrap 3

This just in: As his last act in office British PM Tony Blair does a Bush and attacks Ghana (a tiny country in Africa). A grueling fight ensued between 300 Ghanaian soldiers (equipped with the very latest in stone throwing technology aka slings (similar to the ones you get in matheran for 5 bucks)) and millions of English soldiers. On-lookers could distinctly hear the soldiers shouting “This is Ghanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. The English army has now returned back home. Thats the wrap for the morning news.